I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
