Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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