I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
