Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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