how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
