I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
