I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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