i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
