I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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