She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
