New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
