i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
