Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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