hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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