It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
