Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize