I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
