i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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