then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
