my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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