My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
