You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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