John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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