Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
