WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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