i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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