omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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