He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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