Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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