If i come over, it means nothing
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
