Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So many bounce houses so little time
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Randomize
