ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
what day is it and did you see me today?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
