It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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