So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
