Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
