i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize