I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
