jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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