booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
