I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
