guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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