i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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