the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
