Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
