she was so not down for the gang bang
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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