cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
