Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize