You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
