you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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