3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
