I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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