Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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