I never want to see another naked old woman again.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize