I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
