You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I fill condoms, not promises.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize