I think I am morally bankrupt
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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